Running A Platform To End, “I’m Fine”
Sitting down with Kaeli for this week's TearDrop brought back a lot of memories for me. We had both been student-athletes. We were both forced to make the difficult decision to stop playing the sport we love. And we both have experienced the frustration tied to injuries and sports.
It's natural to look at student-athletes from the outside and assume they've got everything and more: a college scholarship, free clothes, free trips, attention, etc.
However, there's much more than meets the eye.
While there are undoubtedly numerous benefits to being a college athlete, the physical and mental toll of this title is too often overlooked or misunderstood.
Kaeli’s Student-Athlete Experience
Kaeli received a scholarship to play collegiate volleyball and entered her 2019 season like any first-time college athlete: ready to show off playing the sport she's known all her life. But things quickly panned out much differently than Kaeli had ever imagined.
For the first time in her life, Kaeli suffered a serious knee injury and was forced to have surgery. Naturally, this took her away from the game she loved for months on end. Making matters worse was the COVID pandemic. Quarantine just made it that much harder for Kaeli to get back in shape and ready to play.
Kaeli entered her sophomore season with a determined state of mind. She worked tirelessly to recover from her injury and was finally ready to show what she could do on the court. Then another tragedy hit.
As she was heading home for winter break, Kaeli was involved in a severe car accident, leading her to get shoulder reconstruction surgery. It was one thing after the next, and Kaeli felt like she couldn't catch a break.
"I'm fine. I am always fine."
Understandably, Kaeli struggled more than ever after her second surgery within two years. She couldn't do basic things by herself like get dressed or do her hair. She couldn't practice with her team and was instead forced to sit on the sidelines and watch.
Throughout all of this, Kaeli always forced herself to put a smile on her face despite the mental toll life was taking. And when her teammates asked how she was doing, Kaeli always responded, "I'm fine."
Eventually, she reached a breaking point and couldn't hide behind "I'm fine" any longer.
"It was easy to see I was physically hurting with a sling on my arm, but they did not realize I was hurting mentally more," Kaeli Hutson.
Given the considerable stress and frustration Kaeli's injuries placed on her, she knew she couldn't endure much more. So she did something few people do: admitted she needed a break to recover mentally and physically.
After this break at home, Kaeli returned for her junior year and was finally cleared to practice for the first time in years. The excitement that stirred within her soul was quickly met with a frustrating realization. Kaeli had to come to terms with the fact that her body was simply not the same after the injuries as it used to be.
"Trying to accept that I couldn't do the things that I used to be able to was extremely difficult," Kaeli Hutson.
Still, despite the immense physical pain, Kaeli persisted, leaving each practice covered in ice bags. But the toll volleyball was taking on her reached beyond her physical body.
Kaeli felt mentally miserable. She found herself crying every day after practice from being drained mentally and physically.
Ironically, Kaeli's volleyball team motto was "Give More." And when her coach asked why she wasn't giving more to the team, Kaeli felt she had nothing more to give anyone. Kaeli did what a lot of us do. She felt it was easier to remain mentally miserable and say nothing than to try and get her coach to understand her feelings.
After her physically and mentally demanding time as a student-athlete, Kaeli made the brave decision to no longer pursue college athletics after that year. Ultimately, Kaeli felt she was doing herself and her teammates a disservice by continuing to play volleyball.
Going forward, Kaeli made her mental health her priority. When you grow up being particularly gifted at a specific sport, it's very easy for the game to become your entire identity. And this was the case for Kaeli.
That said, Kaeli is continually learning to find herself and who she is outside of being an athlete.
During this period, Kaeli has consistently asked herself a question that we should be asking ourselves every day:
"What can I do to better serve myself?"
Young athletes work their entire lives trying to achieve the "dream goal" of becoming college athletes. But what happens if that dream doesn't go as planned?
Taking the time to discover who YOU are (especially outside of sports) cannot be understated. A majority of people will only be involved in sports for a fraction of their lives.
So invest the time to get to know ALL sides of you in greater depth; we're all incredibly talented, far beyond one avenue.
until next time,
Ken
Make a Donation
The TearDrop is an integral part of the DPRSD brand; these individuals help create our genuine community of love and empathy. For each story, Jerksy has an open conversation with the featured guest, elects a creative direction, then writes and edits everything before your beautiful eyes see it. The process is fueled by an indescribable passion to construct something powerful enough to accurately describe the complexity of our mental health. So if you want to support DPRSD and ensure there are plenty of TearDrops to come, we graciously accept monetary contributions (and yes, $1 is donated).